Dreaming Spires Revision

In my year-long writing course at Dreaming Spires Home Learning , we held a contest to see who wrote the best descriptive piece based on the topic of going on safari. Here is our winner's response: strong in atmosphere but lacking just that bit of consistency for top marks. "The safari truck trundles along the dirt road, the soft hum of the engine the only sign of civilisation. The dirt road that it travels is smooth and worn from many long years of use. Around the open-backed vehicle, the long, waving fronds of grass roll past like tiny waves in the wind, flowing like a stream. The jeep seems to be floating, sailing along the yellow-green sea. Trees stand out against the sky, a fishbowl of brightest blue above our heads. The sun shines down on us, and a drowsy heat sets in. The whole world, rippling like the grass below us, seems to be slowly drifting beneath the far away sky. Animals move in the distance, blurred shapes in the heat. The tall neck of a giraffe can be